I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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