Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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