Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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