Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
