Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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