fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
