porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dick very happy bro
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
