I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Couch. On fire.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
