Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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