If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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