filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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