The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You smell like a Billy Joel song
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
