So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel like a drive thru vagina
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
