I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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