when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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