i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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