Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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