new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
