If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
