youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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