my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
