yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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