Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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