I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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