You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
