You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
