can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
