just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
