went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
