A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
