I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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