So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
