then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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