Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
