So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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