so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
