I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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