it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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