Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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