No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
