I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
