Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
