Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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