Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
