apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
