I have demons in me.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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