hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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