I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
