Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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