i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she pinky promised me she was 18
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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