its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
